The first thing modern Christians need to realize is that we no longer live in the world the apostles lived in, where living out your Christianity meant discipling other people, living in community, loving others, and making sure to serve the needs of the poor and afflicted.

You might ask, “Why? Why are these things now irrelevant?”

Because social media has changed EVERYTHING. Now, our primary goal is to show people how spiritual we are on social media. Because how else will people know about Christianity? And how could they ever convert unless they know exactly what we Christians believe about all their sin?

So, to help you out (because I know you’re a real Christian now that you’re reading this), here are 5 ways to prove that you’re spiritual on social media.

  1. Whenever you come across a post that has a title like the one above, RE-POST IT TO TEST ALL YOUR FRIENDS. That way, you kill two birds with one stone, because if anyone DOESN’T share it, you’ll know they’re not a Christian, and if anyone DOES share it, you’ll both be made more spiritual. No, don’t worry about un-friending the ones who don’t share. They’re now your mission field. And the way you reach them is constantly tagging them in posts talking about spiritual things, like Trump, animal cruelty, or child abuse in Islam. (You’re welcome!)
  2. If anyone is ever commenting something that goes against the Bible (especially if it’s on a post from someone you don’t know), it’s your duty to counteract their lies with TRUTH! Post quickly, and be sure not to waste any time editing your words, or looking up actual Scripture references. After all, don’t give pearls to pigs, the Bible says somewhere!
  3. If Disney or Hollywood put out new evil movies like Brokeback Mountain or Noah, WARN ALL YOUR FRIENDS NOT TO GO SEE THEM, IMMEDIATELY, WITH AN INFLAMATORY FACEBOOK POST AND AT LEAST 5 TWEETS ABOUT HOMOSEXUALITY RUINING THE CONSTITUTION! After all, if America falls, the End-Times will happen, and all of us faithful ones will be raptured away, leaving millions of sinners with nothing to guide them. Unless we leave social media posts teaching people the TRUE WAY OF CHRISTIANITY, how will they ever find their way to Jesus in the new wasteland after all the good people have disappeared?
  4. When you come across people talking about how Christians are not loving, PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE! The Bible says non-Christians will know Christians by their fruit. And what that means is that they’ll know us by how quickly and intensely we react to criticism. “Fruit,” in the original Aramaic, means “outcome,” (see? who needs to spend time fact-checking?) and that obviously means that they’re testing you to see how passionate you are about protecting Christians’ reputations. If no one stands up for us, who will?! That’s right, NO ONE! So, do your duty and prove how passionate you are about spiritual things!
  5. Let all your politically liberal friends know that you’re praying for them. This is perhaps the most important of all the points. Because the Bible clearly says that no one with a liberal agenda will go to Heaven, especially people who support Obama. After all, you don’t go to heaven based on faith and God’s mercy. You go to heaven because you live a Christian life, which means going to church on Sunday, having a fish bumper sticker, and never drinking alcohol. Not to mention, being a liberal is way more evil than being unloving, or letting people die because of a lack of clean drinking water.

So, now the time has come for your test. Are you really a Christ follower? Or will you let Satan run your life and stop you from proclaiming TRUTH?


Disclaimer: This entire post was satirical, except for that last line, so be sure to share—OR ELSE (only true believers will understand this)!