It’s been a month with no posting, so I’m starting this weekly devotional up again, as promised.
The only problem is I feel like my soul is bleeding worse now than before.
2019 was a less-than-stellar year. I committed to too much and ended up working 60+ hours a week, got creatively burnt out, and stressed out over family health issues.
Because of that, I made the decision to pull back on a lot of my writing tasks this year. I was looking forward to 2020 being better.
Then it decided to be the worst year in recent memory.
A close family member was murdered, several others have had severe health crises, including the dreaded specter of a cancer diagnosis for someone very close to me (two surgeries so far, with chemo coming up); then you add in my daughter getting a dangerous infection, then going under for 2 hours at the hospital last week to get her teeth fixed (ridiculous), and several other family members with bizarre issues, including a more distant family member having a boyfriend attempt suicide and end up in a coma.
Did I mention that most of this happened in the last month or so?
Add in a stressful book launch, a rushed script-writing job for a producer who was going to pull funding unless I wrote 30 pages the week we found out about the cancer diagnosis…
And I haven’t even begun to talk about the more distant world events that have everyone scratching their heads.
I feel… empty.
I just want everything to be okay.
And I know that everything will be okay.
My daughter is back to health now. My loved one’s cancer has a high chance of being curable.
And even if nothing worked out, death is a door we all pass through.
But when we’re in the middle of it, it doesn’t feel okay. It feels like we’re going to either scream, or die from holding it in.
It’s had me thinking about how much of a treasure the peace of Christ truly is.
All I want is to bathe in his presence and be soothed.
I made fun of people who only wanted to use God as a security blanket.
Then this year scared the junk out of me, and now I just want Jesus to make it go away, same as everyone else.
But he does it slowly. To teach us patience?
To draw us to him so that we finally surrender and just spend time with him?
Because we don’t change quickly, so he moves at our pace?
Because the world is much bigger than me and my problems, and sometimes he uses my pain for his good purposes, and who am I to complain to the one who sacrificed everything for me?
But I still complain. A lot. And after he patiently waits and listens, I realize he just wants me to rest in him.
Which is about where I’m at as I write this devotional. It’s all I want. And it feels, in many ways, like it’s all I can do.
It’s certainly the only thing that brings me any sort of satisfaction.
So, if you’re feeling the same, maybe we could rest a bit in his presence, together.
PRAYER
Jesus, thank you for taking care of us. Thank you for all the days you’ve given us on this planet. Thank you for our food, our homes, our families and friends. Thank you for bodies that haven’t totally fallen apart yet. And for the chance to grow closer to you. Thank you for how difficult times push us to rely on you and to realize that we really aren’t in control. It helps me surrender. Helps me let go, and just trust you.
DIG DEEPER
Thankfulness, I’ve noticed, is a good way to combat anxiety and fear. So, I’m making a list of ten things I’m thankful for, and then thanking God for all of them.
It feels like everything we know and take for granted is being taken away from us: church worship, Christian fellowship, human contact, friends, the ability to do the ordinary everyday stuff and so on. It’s as if God is saying “ Go home, sit down and be quiet.” More and more, as the weeks and months drag on, I get the feeling that God is saying “Look at Me. Refocus away from all that other stuff and look at Me. I, your Creator, am the only thing that matters. Everything else is transient.” Nevertheless, maintaining one’s trust and faith is very difficult in these strange and unprecedented times. But, the truth is, there is nothing else we can do except quietly sit and wait on our loving Father who sees the whole picture and promises a happy ending.
Thank you so much for these words of yours which I feel are straight from God. Bless you and hang on to the Father for all its worth.
Praying for you, Brennan. Suicide took my sister in 2018, and the pain was unbearable. Thank God for….God. I couldn’t have made it through without His peace, and I can’t imagine what people go through who don’t have His strength to help get through a crisis. You’ve had so much happen to you recently, it’s mind boggling. Take your time, ask God to help you forget, and we’ll be here when you want to write again.
“Because the world is much bigger than me and my problems, and sometimes he uses my pain for his good purposes, and who am I to complain to the one who sacrificed everything for me?”
This really hit me. How often am I thankful versus a complainer? I’m reminded of the story of Job. He was rebuked when he began to question God’s ways. God is so much greater than us and has a complete perspective of what is happening. He cares for us and comforts us if we just put our trust and find our rest in him. I pray God sends his peace and health and faith into your household Brennan. Thanks for writing openly and being an encouragement to the rest of us.
Thank you for your encouragement and prayers, Brooke! Praying for you and your family, as well.
Thank you for your candidness. Since I lost my wife the day before Mother’s Day, I too have found comfort and peace through it all in the Lord. Many times I too felt like Job, with all the crazy things happening to me. My bank account was froze, the VA made a clerical error and wrote me off as deceased instead of my wife, Social Security was notified of the error and discontinued my benefits, Covid prohibited contact with business personnel, the list goes on. But God has been my salvation through all this. His grace and mercy has made the difficult times bearable. My prayers have been answered and I found peace. My God bless you as well. Prayers being sent your way.
Wow. What an insane set of circumstances, Terry! That’s crazy. It’s also interesting to me that everyone I know has had a year like this. For whatever reason, it has been an evil year. Praying for you, as well! Hopefully things have settled for you, and social security has come back?
I know this also & will be praying for you. I believe I know the times we live in now. As the days of Noah were… I believe those who are believers are under extra attack due to the enemy knowing we are the only line of defence. So this my story i am telling only in brief to show you that what I just said was true. Starting several years ago I was tricked & coerced into too early a retirement. When they found themselves to short they hired non-citizens & trained them rather than reinstate me. It is a job you are to already have training for. At least citizens are required that. I am shunned by family because I outed my father when he acted like he was going to help me but really wanted to start abuse where he left off when I was child. I had forgiven him & never though he would try that with adult me. It was not reported then but this time when he would not stop trying, manipulating & threatening i told & they all sided with his saying i made it up now & then. That i was just upset over job & too early retirement. He is very manipulative & told them they would inherit nothing from him if they spoke to me again. No one wanted then to hear my side or hear me say anything. It’s been a few years & no one seems to have missed me. Now covid took away church & having to move to a place where living is inexpensive separated me from friends. Most of who dont call, text, or email any more. I’ve been too far away too long. The new friends here were at church but now that church is back many are not. Two that were in senior homes that take in after care from hospitals were because of that practice exposed to covid & died. I also was unable to gain permanent employement before covid. Not that it would have lasted with covid. Now if only SS will be there for me when I am old enough to collect it in 2 years. Through this all I have studied more, prayed more, & kept my place as watchman on the wall. So what has happened has been for that which was needed. I always was someone, maybe due to the abuse, who stayed to myself & avoided a lot of contact. Now I live like hermet but talk to GOD more. Take the time you need & know we pray for you.
Praying for you CA, Father strengthen her inner man, take away her loneliness, let her find peace and solace in you. In Jesus name.
Thank you, I feel for you and I identify with all your experiences. I agree, thanksgiving and gratitude bring us back to the start. I haven’t read your other posts, but I hope your family and friends are all safely healing well with endless miracles now in 2023 and I hope people are more reasonable towards you and your career is smoother with that respect! I couldn’t fathom how far away from Jesus I felt in recent years but I had become dark. I still try to see more light but the battle continues and I am trying to live each day and make the most of it within my means. I feel my days are numbered.